Chasing Rainbows

"So are you going to try again?", "What about your frozen babies?", "Do you have plans for the future?". A month or so after I lost our Son Hugo, these were the questions I was fielding. Typing the questions now, I can think of the witty comebacks I could have responded with: "nope, no plans for the future, I think I'll just sit in a corner and breath until my days are done". At the time though all I could think was can we just slow this train down, I want to be sick.

Without going into a lengthy recollection, my Husband and I have been trying to have baby (here on earth) for seven years in August this year. Our road has been scary, emotionally devastating, and financially burdensome. Our youthfulness has been snatched away before our eyes. We have gone through countless fertility treatments, surgeries and IVF, and because of this we have our Angel Son Hugo, and our two Early Loss Angels Star & Sprout.

In the loss community there is a lot of talk of the joy of "Rainbow Babies", and in the wider community there is a lot of talk of "trying again". These topics can be very difficult for those for those trying and praying for a miracle, and for those who are not able to try again.

"Rainbow Babies is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope." -Author Unknown

I particularly like this description for one reason: it doesn't have to relate to a baby. It is hard to find joy in life, when your heart is clouded in darkness following the loss of your child, a darkness almost indescribable. For those of us who don't have a rainbow baby, or a child before loss, our lives becomes very much about trying to fill the void.

For the first 18 months after we lost Hugo, I refused to consider the concept of trying again. I have a beautiful relationship with my little boy in Heaven, why would I risk my life again, or more importantly why would I risk another babies life. It is only in the past six months I have been able to consider our options, and make a plan forward in to try again. I wish it was as easy as just wanting a rainbow baby, that the desire itself would bring it to fruition. Unfortunately there are no guarantees. I find myself preparing for the possibility of a life without children here on earth, and part of that preparation is finding rainbows in my life. I am not blessed with one rainbow but many. I have been gifted in my grief, the experience of genuine friendship- for me this is a rainbow. I have been blessed with the opportunity to work in the bereavement community in memory on my Son- for me this is a rainbow. I have been blessed with my two beautiful dogs who are my daily companions- for me this is a rainbow. What I'm trying to say is: hope for a brighter future does not have to lie only with having another child.

Be encouraged that you are not alone in your journey. That you are very much a mother, and a parent. While your children are not in your arms, they cannot be taken from your heart. Perhaps if you quite your soul, and look around you may just be able to find a bright and beautiful rainbow.